So, as you know, I'm kind of a Pandora addict. I've discovered some of my favorite artists there, such as Foster the People, Florence and the Machine, and Lana Del Rey. Yet lately, I've had a love/hate relationship with the latter artist, especially after coming across this gem:
So Elvis and Marilyn Monroe decided to get nice and steamy one night, because as we are aware, Elvis loves 'dem hound dogs. Apparently he liked them older as well. But after their little bout of shinnanigans, a little Lana Del Rey was born. She grew up, ate Cheerios, and hung with her BFF Jesus, just like any little girl would. Jesus was quite the positive influence on little Lana, but his insight didn't quite get to Elvis and Marilyn, who decided it would be a fine time to go clubbing and thus, Lana explains, "We get down every Friday night, dancin’ and grindin’ in the pale moonlight." So there's Lana, Elvis and Marilyn, all gettin' wild in da club. Presumably, Jesus had to stay home that night, but that didn't stop word from getting out to Mary.
Well. That wreaked some havoc, now didn't it? But Mary, in typical non-violent fashion, did little to accuse Marilyn and Elvis of immoral behavior. She just simply prays the rosary for Lana's broken mind, because obviously, that's what a best friend's mother does. Lana's all "thanks but no thank," and continues to high tail it over to the club. She's all in the zone, claiming that her body is on fire and whatnot, and that she can be the next Walt Whitman, which is totally ridiculous since I didn't see Lana writing any Leaves of Grass.
The family clubbing goes well for a while, but Elvis' drug abuse really starts to take its toll on Marilyn. She uproots herself out of the family situation, and decides to go for Whitman instead, seeing as her daughter was already singing this dude's song. Lana was all "okay, guess I have a new Daddy now, woohooo." It probably didn't matter much, since Whitman could use all his book royalties on money on which Lana could sustain her partying lifestyle. Elvis, not too happy with this slap in the face, decided to marry Monaco. I have no idea who that is, so let's just say she's some faceless revenge wife, because really, who can top Walt Whitman?
Marilyn Monroe, that's who. Ooooh, burn.
So Mary, miraculously (and people say lightening doesn't strike twice!) is still in the loop, and she decides that Lana's rough lifestyle is just too terrible an influence for her son. So Mary forbids Jesus from chillin' with Lana, which hits Lana harder than we all expected, as she starts befriending inanimate objects such as diamonds. The girl really misses Jesus, but that doesn't make her want to prove to Mary that she can come clean. So, Lana keeps partying, and Mary keeps praying. I don't know what Jesus is doing, probably off doing something cool with fish, I don't know. But at this party, Lana meets this really hot guy named suicide, and they decide to go at it in some god-awful club bathroom. Lana, being all un-employed and whatnot, can't afford protection, so she gets preggers and suicide is all "not my fault, you should've known I destroy people." So Lana has this baby named Heaven, which, if you ask me, is kinda strange to name a baby, but this is post "Apple" and "Blanket" generation.
But just because Lana has this new life doesn't mean she's stopped missing Jesus. She still looks at those silly photos they took together, reminiscing about the times they had. It's the only reminder of youth she has. Here, Lana admits she is really in need of a washing machine because her clothes still smell like Jesus, who she hasn't run into in like, forever. Or maybe she's just soooo sentimental, which is just not practical for personal hygiene matters. Jesus' sudden abandonment does kinda hurt Lana, but she's not going to be the first to admit it, even if it was Mary being all overprotective and such.
But then Mary has this "aha" moment, where she realizes maybe she was being the party pooper after all, and that Jesus is this grown savior and all that. So why can't she have a little fun in da' club? Lana, jumping at the opportunity, get Suicide to watch her baby, and she and Mary get down and funky in the club, and everything is all fine and good.
Still don't know where Jesus is. Maybe he and Suicide are drinking some whiskey or something.
So this is what modern day music has come to.
Peace and Ponies,
Kira
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